What are boundaries?
Healthy boundaries are an important part of forming one’s identity and are a vital part of maintaining positive mental health and well-being. Common misconceptions, when it comes to setting healthy boundaries, revolve around the idea of being rude, disrespectful, and stubborn. In reality, setting boundaries are an important communicative instrument that outlines what an individual is willing to accept and what they are not. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, and material, and can range from those that are negotiable to those that may be more rigid. A complete lack of boundaries may indicate that someone lacks a strong sense of identity, is easily influenced by other people, or is even commonly taken advantage of.
Physical
Physical boundaries involve personal space, comfort with touch, and physical needs such as needing to eat, rest, and sleep. It’s certainly okay to tell others that you don’t like to be touched or that you would like some more space. It is also okay to tell others that you are hungry and would like to get something to eat. These can sound like “I’m not too keen on hugging, how about a handshake?”
Physical boundary violations include receiving unwanted or inappropriate touch, standing too close. It can also involve having someone come into your personal space in an uncomfortable way eg. A friend that walks into your house unannounced without knocking or ringing the bell.
Emotional
Emotional boundaries involve feelings, energy, and values. Setting emotional boundaries includes identifying how much emotional energy you are taking in, knowing when to share, and limiting emotional sharing with those who respond in an invalidating manner. This kind of boundary can sound like “I hear that this conversation is important to you. Right now is not a good time for me to take all of this in. Do you think we can get back to this at a later time?”
Emotional boundary violations can include assuming how other people feel, dismissing and/or criticizing feelings.
Material
Material boundaries refer to items and possessions such as your home, car, clothes, money, etc. It is important to understand and be clear on what you are willing and not willing to share, and how you expect your materials to be treated by the people you share them with. This kind of boundary may sound like “Sure, I would be happy to lend you my jacket. However, I need it back by Friday.”
Violations of material boundaries occur when things you have shared are destroyed, stolen, or ‘borrowed’ too frequently.
Verbalizing our feelings and expressing our needs begins in early childhood with our families, and then in our friend circles. These early boundaries are internalized and determine how comfortable we are standing up for ourselves. The inability to set boundaries usually stems from fears such as abandonment, losing the relationship, hurting other people’s feelings, being judged, being disliked, made fun of, etc.
Initially setting boundaries can come with a sense of guilt which can make it feel like it’s the wrong thing to do. Other people may not always be understanding of the reasons for our boundaries. Some may show resistance and even respond aggressively – this may be due to the possibility that, to them, your boundary means that they will not get what they want. Boundaries can be thought of as the terms under which a relationship can progress further. In contrast to common stereotypical misconceptions, people place boundaries in their relationships because they want to continue to carry them further in their life, and in a healthier manner.
Boundaries are an important aspect of self-care and are important in all aspects of our lives. They allow us to be our true selves, set realistic expectations, and create safety. As essential as it is to prioritize our needs, it is also equally critical that we respect the boundaries that other people have set for themselves.