When we are having a difficult time, when we make mistakes, or when things go wrong, it’s familiar for most of us to fall into harsh self-talk and judgment. Statements like “I hate myself” or “Why can’t I ever get things right!” pop in our head, leaving us feeling worse than we already do, right?
Take a minute to think about how you would respond to a dear friend, close family member, or a loved one if they had these same concerns? Many of us would be quick to support them, acting immediately with kindness, understanding, and encouragement and using statements such as “You tried your best” or “It’s okay to feel the way you do.”
Now, imagine instead how it might feel to speak to yourself the way you speak to others. Directing these types of gentle responses internally, toward ourselves, is known as self-compassion. Described as “healing ourselves with kindness” by Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion encourages taking on a kinder, gentler approach in our most important relationship – the one we have with ourselves.
But why is it harder to be compassionate to ourselves? While being compassionate to others around us is attached to a positive connotation, expressing self-compassion has often been tied to a negative connotation. Common myths about self-compassion form some of the biggest blocks to developing a compassionate approach to the self. Of many, self-compassion has been conflated with narcissism, selfishness, and self-pity. It is important to recognize that these ideas are far from the truth. While self-compassion has a focus on the self, it’s more than just allowing ourselves to make mistakes, it’s about allowing ourselves to recover from these mistakes and move forward. Moreover, self-compassion helps us take care of ourselves, enabling us to take better care of those around us. It also gives us perspective and allows us to see our struggles in the larger context of shared humanity.
Just like the benefits of expressing compassion to others, there are also benefits to expressing compassion to ourselves. Research has reported an abundance of overall well-being benefits linked to self-compassion. That is, individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater feelings of motivation, self-worth, happiness, and improved resilience that is needed to cope with stressful life events such as relationship breakups, job loss, and even retirement. Self-compassion can also reduce feelings of anxiety, depression, and rumination. Some of the physical health benefits include improved immune system functioning, digestive and cardiovascular health.
The three elements of self-compassion
According to Dr. Neff, there are three elements of self-compassion that are important to understand. Those that have higher levels of self-compassion demonstrate these three elements: Self-kindness, Common humanity, and Mindfulness.
- Self-kindness (vs self-judgment): Self-kindness in the context of self-compassion is about approaching our shortcomings with kindness, warmth, and patience instead of judging or being critical with ourselves.
- Common humanity (vs isolation): Recognizing that we are not alone in being imperfect or feeling hurt and that this experience is part of the collective human experience, rather than withdrawing or isolating ourselves from others.
- Mindfulness (vs over-identification): Allowing oneself to be aware of our thoughts and emotions whilst finding a balance to recognize them without the need to suppress or exaggerate them. Mindfulness also fosters acceptance of our inner world in the present moment.
Practicing self-compassion
Practicing self-compassion can be difficult, especially at first. Fortunately, it is a skill that can be learned and enhanced. Here are 6 ways that can help you start:
Develop self-awareness through mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness is a useful way in identifying your thoughts, feelings, and needs. As self-compassion is deeply rooted in mindfulness, it allows us to pay attention to our inner world and fosters acceptance of what we are feeling or thinking in the present moment.
Ask yourself “How would I talk to my friend?”
Next time you catch yourself being self-critical, try to reflect on how you would approach the situation if your friend was the one facing it. What would you say to him/her, and in what tone of voice would you say it? What would you do? Thinking about this could be the first step in reflecting on where you lie with being compassionate with yourself.
Bust the self-compassion myths
Change the way you think about self-compassion by being aware of the self-compassion myths, such as the ones mentioned above, and adopting a more realistic, healthier view of self-compassion.
Use self-compassion affirmations
Affirmations are a useful way to practice replacing negative self-talk with a more empathetic, kinder approach to how we talk to ourselves. When you catch yourself blaming or criticizing yourself, try using some of the self-compassion affirmations mentioned below:
- “My mistakes just show that I’m growing and learning.”
- “It’s safe for me to show kindness to myself.”
- “I forgive myself and accept my flaws because nobody is perfect.”
- “It’s okay to make mistakes and forgive myself.”
Write a compassionate letter or note to yourself
Some people find it helpful to find their compassionate voice through writing a letter to themselves. Here are two suggested ways to foster self-compassion through writing:
- Think of yourself as an imaginary friend who is unconditionally wise, loving, and compassionate, and write a letter to yourself from this perspective.
- What would you say to a close friend if they were facing the same concerns as you? Write a letter as if you were talking to this friend.
Give yourself permission to be imperfect
Easier said than done, but it is important. More often than not, we find ourselves struggling to allow ourselves to be anything less than perfect. Adopting a mindset that allows for imperfection can lessen some of the pressure to be perfect and welcome mistakes in a much gentler and nurturing approach.