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Be your own best friend – Fostering Self-Compassion

When we are having a difficult time, when we make mistakes, or when things go wrong, it’s familiar for most of us to fall into harsh self-talk and judgment. Statements like “I hate myself” or “Why can’t I ever get things right!” pop in our head, leaving us feeling worse than we already do, right?

Take a minute to think about how you would respond to a dear friend, close family member, or a loved one if they had these same concerns? Many of us would be quick to support them, acting immediately with kindness, understanding, and encouragement and using statements such as “You tried your best” or “It’s okay to feel the way you do.”

Now, imagine instead how it might feel to speak to yourself the way you speak to others. Directing these types of gentle responses internally, toward ourselves, is known as self-compassion. Described as “healing ourselves with kindness” by Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion encourages taking on a kinder, gentler approach in our most important relationship – the one we have with ourselves.

But why is it harder to be compassionate to ourselves? While being compassionate to others around us is attached to a positive connotation, expressing self-compassion has often been tied to a negative connotation. Common myths about self-compassion form some of the biggest blocks to developing a compassionate approach to the self. Of many, self-compassion has been conflated with narcissism, selfishness, and self-pity. It is important to recognize that these ideas are far from the truth. While self-compassion has a focus on the self, it’s more than just allowing ourselves to make mistakes, it’s about allowing ourselves to recover from these mistakes and move forward. Moreover, self-compassion helps us take care of ourselves, enabling us to take better care of those around us. It also gives us perspective and allows us to see our struggles in the larger context of shared humanity.

Just like the benefits of expressing compassion to others, there are also benefits to expressing compassion to ourselves. Research has reported an abundance of overall well-being benefits linked to self-compassion. That is, individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater feelings of motivation, self-worth, happiness, and improved resilience that is needed to cope with stressful life events such as relationship breakups, job loss, and even retirement. Self-compassion can also reduce feelings of anxiety, depression, and rumination. Some of the physical health benefits include improved immune system functioning, digestive and cardiovascular health.

The three elements of self-compassion

According to Dr. Neff, there are three elements of self-compassion that are important to understand. Those that have higher levels of self-compassion demonstrate these three elements: Self-kindness, Common humanity, and Mindfulness.

Self-kindness (vs self-judgment): Self-kindness in the context of self-compassion is about approaching our shortcomings with kindness, warmth, and patience instead of judging or being critical with ourselves.
Common humanity (vs isolation): Recognizing that we are not alone in being imperfect or feeling hurt and that this experience is part of the collective human experience, rather than withdrawing or isolating ourselves from others.
Mindfulness (vs over-identification): Allowing oneself to be aware of our thoughts and emotions whilst finding a balance to recognize them without the need to suppress or exaggerate them. Mindfulness also fosters acceptance of our inner world in the present moment.

Practicing self-compassion

Practicing self-compassion can be difficult, especially at first. Fortunately, it is a skill that can be learned and enhanced. Here are 6 ways that can help you start:

Develop self-awareness through mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness is a useful way in identifying your thoughts, feelings, and needs. As self-compassion is deeply rooted in mindfulness, it allows us to pay attention to our inner world and fosters acceptance of what we are feeling or thinking in the present moment.

Ask yourself “How would I talk to my friend?”

Next time you catch yourself being self-critical, try to reflect on how you would approach the situation if your friend was the one facing it. What would you say to him/her, and in what tone of voice would you say it? What would you do? Thinking about this could be the first step in reflecting on where you lie with being compassionate with yourself.

Bust the self-compassion myths

Change the way you think about self-compassion by being aware of the self-compassion myths, such as the ones mentioned above, and adopting a more realistic, healthier view of self-compassion.

Use self-compassion affirmations

Affirmations are a useful way to practice replacing negative self-talk with a more empathetic, kinder approach to how we talk to ourselves. When you catch yourself blaming or criticizing yourself, try using some of the self-compassion affirmations mentioned below:

“My mistakes just show that I’m growing and learning.”
“It’s safe for me to show kindness to myself.”
“I forgive myself and accept my flaws because nobody is perfect.”
“It’s okay to make mistakes and forgive myself.”

Write a compassionate letter or note to yourself

Some people find it helpful to find their compassionate voice through writing a letter to themselves. Here are two suggested ways to foster self-compassion through writing:

Think of yourself as an imaginary friend who is unconditionally wise, loving, and compassionate, and write a letter to yourself from this perspective.
What would you say to a close friend if they were facing the same concerns as you? Write a letter as if you were talking to this friend.

Give yourself permission to be imperfect

Easier said than done, but it is important. More often than not, we find ourselves struggling to allow ourselves to be anything less than perfect. Adopting a mindset that allows for imperfection can lessen some of the pressure to be perfect and welcome mistakes in a much gentler and nurturing approach.

What are boundaries?

Healthy boundaries are an important part of forming one’s identity and are a vital part of maintaining positive mental health and well-being. Common misconceptions, when it comes to setting healthy boundaries, revolve around the idea of being rude, disrespectful, and stubborn. In reality, setting boundaries are an important communicative instrument that outlines what an individual is willing to accept and what they are not. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, and material, and can range from those that are negotiable to those that may be more rigid. A complete lack of boundaries may indicate that someone lacks a strong sense of identity, is easily influenced by other people, or is even commonly taken advantage of.

Physical

Physical boundaries involve personal space, comfort with touch, and physical needs such as needing to eat, rest, and sleep. It’s certainly okay to tell others that you don’t like to be touched or that you would like some more space. It is also okay to tell others that you are hungry and would like to get something to eat. These can sound like “I’m not too keen on hugging, how about a handshake?”

Physical boundary violations include receiving unwanted or inappropriate touch, standing too close. It can also involve having someone come into your personal space in an uncomfortable way eg. A friend that walks into your house unannounced without knocking or ringing the bell.

Emotional

Emotional boundaries involve feelings, energy, and values. Setting emotional boundaries includes identifying how much emotional energy you are taking in, knowing when to share, and limiting emotional sharing with those who respond in an invalidating manner. This kind of boundary can sound like “I hear that this conversation is important to you. Right now is not a good time for me to take all of this in. Do you think we can get back to this at a later time?”

Emotional boundary violations can include assuming how other people feel, dismissing and/or criticizing feelings.

Material

Material boundaries refer to items and possessions such as your home, car, clothes, money, etc. It is important to understand and be clear on what you are willing and not willing to share, and how you expect your materials to be treated by the people you share them with. This kind of boundary may sound like “Sure, I would be happy to lend you my jacket. However, I need it back by Friday.”

Violations of material boundaries occur when things you have shared are destroyed, stolen, or ‘borrowed’ too frequently.

Verbalizing our feelings and expressing our needs begins in early childhood with our families, and then in our friend circles. These early boundaries are internalized and determine how comfortable we are standing up for ourselves. The inability to set boundaries usually stems from fears such as abandonment, losing the relationship, hurting other people’s feelings, being judged, being disliked, made fun of, etc.

Initially setting boundaries can come with a sense of guilt which can make it feel like it’s the wrong thing to do. Other people may not always be understanding of the reasons for our boundaries. Some may show resistance and even respond aggressively – this may be due to the possibility that, to them, your boundary means that they will not get what they want. Boundaries can be thought of as the terms under which a relationship can progress further. In contrast to common stereotypical misconceptions, people place boundaries in their relationships because they want to continue to carry them further in their life, and in a healthier manner.

Boundaries are an important aspect of self-care and are important in all aspects of our lives. They allow us to be our true selves, set realistic expectations, and create safety. As essential as it is to prioritize our needs, it is also equally critical that we respect the boundaries that other people have set for themselves.

How to Relax at Work – Simple Techniques

While it may be well known that aspects of work can cause stress, less is known about ways to effectively relieve it. Whether it’s a new job, a promotion, tight deadlines, or uncooperative colleagues, everyone has aspects of their worklife that stress them out. In such times, it is important to manage thoughts and feelings in a way that helps rejuvenate, rather than compound what we are already experiencing. Some people may find that their work stressors not only affect their professional life, but aspects of their personal life as well, such as health, family, and relationships. Practicing techniques how to relax at work is one of the easiest ways to lower stress levels, manage symptoms of anxiety and depression, reduce absenteeism and increase productivity.

Although avoiding stressful situations altogether sounds like an appealing idea, this may not always be possible. Relaxation techniques involve refocusing attention towards something calming and increasing awareness of bodily sensations. Contrary to popular belief, relaxation is not only relevant to enjoying a hobby or achieving peace of mind. It is a process that decreases the effects of stress on the mind as well as the body.

Individuals who are more relaxed at work report being more motivated, take fewer sick leaves, and engage in less procrastination. Effectively organizing the physical workspace has also shown to declutter and calm the mind and boost productivity. Some relaxing elements of work environments include elements of nature such as plants and aquariums. While direct contact with nature has several health benefits, research shows that even glimpses of nature through a window or photographs can improve mental health and satisfaction and reduce stress levels.

Taking breaks from long periods of work is also an important part of maintaining health, efficiency, and productivity.

Some health benefits of relaxation include:

Improved digestion
Higher energy levels
Increased confidence
Lower blood pressure
Improved concentration
Improved quality of sleep
Reduced activity of stress hormones
Increased blood flow to major muscles

Some types of relaxation include:

Autogenic Relaxation

Autogenic relaxation is a technique that focuses on teaching the body to respond to verbal commands. This can include using visual imagery and bodily awareness to reduce stress. For some, it can look like repeating words and/or phrases either mentally or verbally, encouraging relaxation and reducing muscle tension. For example, individuals may imagine a peaceful environment, then focus on controlled and relaxed breathing which slows down their heart rate. Attention can then be diverted to feeling other physiological sensations such as relaxing each part of the body.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This technique focuses on slowly tensing and relaxing each muscle group, directing individuals’ focus to the difference between muscle tension and relaxation and simultaneously increasing awareness of physical sensations. One way of doing this is starting by tensing and relaxing the toe muscles, progressively working up to the muscles of the head and neck, and then back down to the toes. Some practice tensing for five seconds, relaxing for thirty seconds, and then repeating.

Visualization

This relaxation technique involves forming mental conceptions to take a visual journey to a peaceful and calming place or situation. Relaxing using this technique is most effective when the sensations associated with all the senses are incorporated into the visualized scenario. An example of visualizing relaxing on the beach may include thinking about the warmth of the sun on one’s body, the smell of saltwater, the sound of crashing waves, and the texture of sand. A quiet spot void of distractions where individuals can close their eyes, loosen any tight clothing and focus on their breathing helps to make the visualization more vivid.

It is important to remember that instinctually implementing these techniques is a skill that will improve gradually with time and practice. Different techniques may be more suited to different types of people. With this in mind, it may be beneficial to consider professional mental health services if feelings of stress and discomfort are persistent and seem overwhelming.

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety is defined as feelings of discomfort, such as worry or fear, that range from mild to severe. Some examples of anxiety symptoms include:

feeling nervous or on edge
increased heart rate
shortness of breath
trembling
sweating
thinking that something bad is going to happen

Difference between Anxiety and Stress

Although it may seem similar to stress, there is an acute difference between the two. Both anxiety and stress are emotional responses, but stress is usually coupled with an external trigger, which means that the feelings are relieved as the stressor is dismissed. Anxiety, on the other hand, refers more to the persistence of a worry or fear even when there may be no apparent external trigger.

Having to give a presentation or attending an important meeting, for example, may induce these feelings. In situations like these, experiencing anxiety and stress is natural and everyone encounters them in a variety of different settings. While a stressful response would include nervousness building up to the event, anxiety may involve worrying about what people may say, think, or do, the negative ways that one may be perceived, what might go wrong, etc.

Some people find it more difficult than others to relieve their anxiety, as it may be more invasive, thus hindering their daily functioning. Some common anxiety disorders include Phobic disorder, Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and Social anxiety disorder. Contrary to widespread inaccurate and stigmatized views, symptoms of such disorders are not as simplistic as being shy at a social event or color-coding your belongings. These disorders present symptoms that make undertaking and maintaining roles and responsibilities related to work, school, and personal relationships very difficult.

Anxiety at Work

In the workplace, anxiety can create limitations to one’s own professional progress. Perfectionism and procrastination are two of the main ways in which anxiety manifests. Perfectionism involves the need to be or appear perfect and procrastination is the act of delaying a task, often due to a fear of failure. In the organizational context, these may present themselves in several aspects of work. Fear of failure along with constant feelings of dissatisfaction may lead people to treat themselves harshly when they perform below a certain expectation or make small mistakes. Some people may avoid collaborating with colleagues, office parties, staff lunches, and work events due to a fear of being in social situations or public speaking. Anxiety can also directly impact an individual’s ability to meet their deadlines and complete tasks. People may even turn down promotions and refuse assignments if it involves an activity related to their fear such as flying or traveling.

With managing anxiety, it is important to manage it when it is experienced. Identifying the thoughts that come up when feeling anxious is the first step to this. Initially, anxiety may only be apparent when it is felt. Separating thoughts from feelings can prove difficult at first because they may be very quick and automatic. With practice, however, thinking patterns can become clearer. Thoughts may present themselves as words or statements like “what if..” or “I can’t cope” or even as vivid images in one’s mind, both of which can cause high levels of anxiety.

Helpful Hints to Relieve Anxiety

Some questions that help identify thoughts are:

What does this say about me if this is true?
What would it mean if ‘x’ were to happen?
What does this mean about what other people think/feel about me?
What was going through my mind before I started to feel this way?

After having identified the anxious thoughts, the next step is to attempt to evaluate whether the thought is realistic and in proportion. This is useful because anxious thoughts are usually based on exaggerations and assumptions. Learning to develop alternative ways of thinking about the same situation helps break out of cycles of anxiety.

Some questions that help identify thoughts are:

What does this say about me if this is true?
What would it mean if ‘x’ were to happen?
What does this mean about what other people think/feel about me?
What was going through my mind before I started to feel this way?

If you are looking for anxiety disorder treatment in Dubai to help you overcome any symptoms of anxiety, the mental health counseling services offered by HRIC Dubai might be helpful to you. Human Relations Institute and Clinics is a psychology-based practice based in Dubai, UAE, providing mental health and psychological services to individuals and businesses around the globe.