self-compassion Archives

Loneliness: difference between physically being alone and feeling lonely

Loneliness is a universal human emotion that is both complex and unique to each individual. While it is commonly misconceived as the act of being in solitude and not having people around, in reality, loneliness is more of a state of mind. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness can affect even the most seemingly outgoing person. Being the ‘life of the party’ does not necessarily mean that someone is exempt from feeling lonely. In this article, we will show what is the key difference between being alone and feeling lonely.

Loneliness is commonly accompanied by deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy and poor self-esteem and can impact several areas of functioning. An important distinction to make is the difference between physically being alone and experiencing the feeling of being lonely. People who are often physically alone do not necessarily always feel like they are lonely. They might choose to live with comparatively less contact with other people and be content spending more time with themselves. While similarly, one can be surrounded by people or have a very active social life or be in a relationship, and still feel lonely – especially if they do not feel understood or cared for by those around them.

Being alone is most beneficial when it is done voluntarily. It is equally important for people to feel like they can return to their social world when they want to. A core contributor to loneliness is a lack of meaningful connection to others. This includes the quality of relationships with, and connection to, one’s family, friends, colleagues, and the wider society.

Loneliness is also interconnected with certain psychological conditions. For example, those with social anxiety experience difficulty engaging in everyday tasks and activities that involve other people, which may lead to a lack of meaningful relationships in their lives, and in turn result in feelings of loneliness. Similarly, individuals with depression experience low mood, low energy levels, and a lack of interest in social interaction.

On a physiological level, loneliness can increase the amount of cortisol (the stress hormone) in your body. This can affect your immune system and raise your risk for a range of health concerns, including high blood pressure and heart disease. It also contributes to increases in alcoholism and drug use, altered brain function, Alzheimer’s disease progression, antisocial behavior, decreased memory and learning, poor decision-making, stress, sleep-related difficulties, and even suicide.

What you can do to tackle loneliness:
– Strengthen the quality of existing relationships
– Prioritize your well-being
– Pursue your hobbies
– Get involved in the wider community
– Consult a mental health professional

Be your own best friend – Fostering Self-Compassion

When we are having a difficult time, when we make mistakes, or when things go wrong, it’s familiar for most of us to fall into harsh self-talk and judgment. Statements like “I hate myself” or “Why can’t I ever get things right!” pop in our head, leaving us feeling worse than we already do, right?

Take a minute to think about how you would respond to a dear friend, close family member, or a loved one if they had these same concerns? Many of us would be quick to support them, acting immediately with kindness, understanding, and encouragement and using statements such as “You tried your best” or “It’s okay to feel the way you do.”

Now, imagine instead how it might feel to speak to yourself the way you speak to others. Directing these types of gentle responses internally, toward ourselves, is known as self-compassion. Described as “healing ourselves with kindness” by Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion encourages taking on a kinder, gentler approach in our most important relationship – the one we have with ourselves.

But why is it harder to be compassionate to ourselves? While being compassionate to others around us is attached to a positive connotation, expressing self-compassion has often been tied to a negative connotation. Common myths about self-compassion form some of the biggest blocks to developing a compassionate approach to the self. Of many, self-compassion has been conflated with narcissism, selfishness, and self-pity. It is important to recognize that these ideas are far from the truth. While self-compassion has a focus on the self, it’s more than just allowing ourselves to make mistakes, it’s about allowing ourselves to recover from these mistakes and move forward. Moreover, self-compassion helps us take care of ourselves, enabling us to take better care of those around us. It also gives us perspective and allows us to see our struggles in the larger context of shared humanity.

Just like the benefits of expressing compassion to others, there are also benefits to expressing compassion to ourselves. Research has reported an abundance of overall well-being benefits linked to self-compassion. That is, individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater feelings of motivation, self-worth, happiness, and improved resilience that is needed to cope with stressful life events such as relationship breakups, job loss, and even retirement. Self-compassion can also reduce feelings of anxiety, depression, and rumination. Some of the physical health benefits include improved immune system functioning, digestive and cardiovascular health.

The three elements of self-compassion

According to Dr. Neff, there are three elements of self-compassion that are important to understand. Those that have higher levels of self-compassion demonstrate these three elements: Self-kindness, Common humanity, and Mindfulness.

Self-kindness (vs self-judgment): Self-kindness in the context of self-compassion is about approaching our shortcomings with kindness, warmth, and patience instead of judging or being critical with ourselves.
Common humanity (vs isolation): Recognizing that we are not alone in being imperfect or feeling hurt and that this experience is part of the collective human experience, rather than withdrawing or isolating ourselves from others.
Mindfulness (vs over-identification): Allowing oneself to be aware of our thoughts and emotions whilst finding a balance to recognize them without the need to suppress or exaggerate them. Mindfulness also fosters acceptance of our inner world in the present moment.

Practicing self-compassion

Practicing self-compassion can be difficult, especially at first. Fortunately, it is a skill that can be learned and enhanced. Here are 6 ways that can help you start:

Develop self-awareness through mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness is a useful way in identifying your thoughts, feelings, and needs. As self-compassion is deeply rooted in mindfulness, it allows us to pay attention to our inner world and fosters acceptance of what we are feeling or thinking in the present moment.

Ask yourself “How would I talk to my friend?”

Next time you catch yourself being self-critical, try to reflect on how you would approach the situation if your friend was the one facing it. What would you say to him/her, and in what tone of voice would you say it? What would you do? Thinking about this could be the first step in reflecting on where you lie with being compassionate with yourself.

Bust the self-compassion myths

Change the way you think about self-compassion by being aware of the self-compassion myths, such as the ones mentioned above, and adopting a more realistic, healthier view of self-compassion.

Use self-compassion affirmations

Affirmations are a useful way to practice replacing negative self-talk with a more empathetic, kinder approach to how we talk to ourselves. When you catch yourself blaming or criticizing yourself, try using some of the self-compassion affirmations mentioned below:

“My mistakes just show that I’m growing and learning.”
“It’s safe for me to show kindness to myself.”
“I forgive myself and accept my flaws because nobody is perfect.”
“It’s okay to make mistakes and forgive myself.”

Write a compassionate letter or note to yourself

Some people find it helpful to find their compassionate voice through writing a letter to themselves. Here are two suggested ways to foster self-compassion through writing:

Think of yourself as an imaginary friend who is unconditionally wise, loving, and compassionate, and write a letter to yourself from this perspective.
What would you say to a close friend if they were facing the same concerns as you? Write a letter as if you were talking to this friend.

Give yourself permission to be imperfect

Easier said than done, but it is important. More often than not, we find ourselves struggling to allow ourselves to be anything less than perfect. Adopting a mindset that allows for imperfection can lessen some of the pressure to be perfect and welcome mistakes in a much gentler and nurturing approach.

What are boundaries?

Healthy boundaries are an important part of forming one’s identity and are a vital part of maintaining positive mental health and well-being. Common misconceptions, when it comes to setting healthy boundaries, revolve around the idea of being rude, disrespectful, and stubborn. In reality, setting boundaries are an important communicative instrument that outlines what an individual is willing to accept and what they are not. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, and material, and can range from those that are negotiable to those that may be more rigid. A complete lack of boundaries may indicate that someone lacks a strong sense of identity, is easily influenced by other people, or is even commonly taken advantage of.

Physical

Physical boundaries involve personal space, comfort with touch, and physical needs such as needing to eat, rest, and sleep. It’s certainly okay to tell others that you don’t like to be touched or that you would like some more space. It is also okay to tell others that you are hungry and would like to get something to eat. These can sound like “I’m not too keen on hugging, how about a handshake?”

Physical boundary violations include receiving unwanted or inappropriate touch, standing too close. It can also involve having someone come into your personal space in an uncomfortable way eg. A friend that walks into your house unannounced without knocking or ringing the bell.

Emotional

Emotional boundaries involve feelings, energy, and values. Setting emotional boundaries includes identifying how much emotional energy you are taking in, knowing when to share, and limiting emotional sharing with those who respond in an invalidating manner. This kind of boundary can sound like “I hear that this conversation is important to you. Right now is not a good time for me to take all of this in. Do you think we can get back to this at a later time?”

Emotional boundary violations can include assuming how other people feel, dismissing and/or criticizing feelings.

Material

Material boundaries refer to items and possessions such as your home, car, clothes, money, etc. It is important to understand and be clear on what you are willing and not willing to share, and how you expect your materials to be treated by the people you share them with. This kind of boundary may sound like “Sure, I would be happy to lend you my jacket. However, I need it back by Friday.”

Violations of material boundaries occur when things you have shared are destroyed, stolen, or ‘borrowed’ too frequently.

Verbalizing our feelings and expressing our needs begins in early childhood with our families, and then in our friend circles. These early boundaries are internalized and determine how comfortable we are standing up for ourselves. The inability to set boundaries usually stems from fears such as abandonment, losing the relationship, hurting other people’s feelings, being judged, being disliked, made fun of, etc.

Initially setting boundaries can come with a sense of guilt which can make it feel like it’s the wrong thing to do. Other people may not always be understanding of the reasons for our boundaries. Some may show resistance and even respond aggressively – this may be due to the possibility that, to them, your boundary means that they will not get what they want. Boundaries can be thought of as the terms under which a relationship can progress further. In contrast to common stereotypical misconceptions, people place boundaries in their relationships because they want to continue to carry them further in their life, and in a healthier manner.

Boundaries are an important aspect of self-care and are important in all aspects of our lives. They allow us to be our true selves, set realistic expectations, and create safety. As essential as it is to prioritize our needs, it is also equally critical that we respect the boundaries that other people have set for themselves.

Trauma Response (The 4 F’s – Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn)

How does your body respond when you perceive danger or a threat? Often known as a trauma response, it is an initial reaction that is triggered when there is a perception of or an actual threat, like an oncoming car or a growling dog. Research has compiled evidence for different trauma responses that we tend to display in order to protect ourselves from the threat or perceived threat. The responses are usually referred to as the 4Fs – Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn and have evolved as a survival mechanism to help us react quickly to life-threatening situations. When our brain perceives a threat, we automatically react with one of these 4 trauma responses, depending on factors such as individual differences and past experiences of trauma.

In saying so, it is possible for some individuals to have an overactivation of their trauma responses. What this means is that even in non-threatening situations, their trauma responses could be activated. Research suggests that an overactivation of our trauma responses is associated with a decline in our physical and psychological health. That is, chronic stress may contribute to high blood pressure, burnout, decreased immunity, and an increase in anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress, and substance use problems.

In this blog, we’ll further explore what each response entails, along with the associated thoughts and behaviors, followed by some helpful ways to cope with overactive trauma responses.

Fight Response

Fight types protect themselves from threat through conflict.

Those that tend towards the fight response believe that if they establish power over the threat, it will result in security and control. This response may feel like an adrenaline rush, accompanied with a desire to defend oneself through fighting, yelling at, or controlling others. The thought behind this response is “I need to eliminate the threat before it eliminates me.” Behaviors that might indicate this trauma response are:

Crying
Hands in fists, desire to punch
Flexed/tight jaw, grinding teeth
Fight in eyes, glaring, fight in voice
Desire to stomp, kick, smash with legs, feet
Feelings of anger/rage
Knotted stomach/nausea, burning stomach

Flight Response

Flight types protect themselves from threat through escape.

Those that engage in this trauma response, cope with a threat by running from or fleeing the situation. People engaging in a flight response often report difficulties with relaxation and sitting still as they are constantly worrying, rushing, hiding, or panicking when they feel threatened. The thought behind the response is “I need to run from the situation before it can hurt me.” Behaviors that might indicate this trauma response are:

Restless legs, feet /numbness in legs
Anxiety/shallow breathing
Big/darting eyes
Leg/foot movement
Reported or observed fidgety-ness, restlessness, feeling trapped

Freeze Response

Freeze types protect themselves from threat through dissociation.

When faced with a threatening situation, those that tend towards this trauma response unconsciously detach from the situation by “freezing”, or spacing out. The body can feel rigid and become immobilized by the stress. This way of dealing with perceived danger may result in difficulty making decisions or getting motivated. The thought behind this response is “If I don’t do anything, the threat cannot hurt me.” Behaviors that might indicate this trauma response are:

Feeling stuck in some part of the body
Feeling cold/frozen, numb, pale skin
Sense of stiffness, heaviness
Holding breath/restricted breathing
Sense of dread, heart pounding
Decreased heart rate (can sometimes increase)

Fawn Response (newer to the field and not as researched)

Fawn types protect themselves from threat through placation.

Those that tend to the fawn response avoid or deal with conflict through “people-pleasing.” They also experience difficulties in saying no and are afraid to share what they really think or feel in fear of how others might perceive them. They also are so accommodating of other’s needs, that they tend to ignore their own. The thought behind this response is, “If I can appease this person, I can be safe from conflict or pain.” Behaviors that might indicate this trauma response are:

Over apologizing to others
Difficulty saying no
Excessive flattering the other person
Going out of the way to please others
Neglecting one’s own needs
Pretending to agree with others

As mentioned, when our trauma responses are overactive, we are more likely to feel threatened by non-threatening stressors. Fortunately, there are some ways to cope when trauma responses are overactive:

Learn relaxation techniques: Techniques such as meditation, yoga, or deep abdominal breathing can help in counteracting the stress responses and allow the body to enter into a calmer state.
Engage in physical exercises: Engaging in physical activity is another way to promote calmness in the body. The benefits of regularly exercising have been long mentioned in the research such as increasing endorphins and decreasing stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol.
Seek social support: Finding support from the people around you can help reduce psychological and physiological reactions to perceived threats. Research has found evidence for support by listing benefits such as providing a sense of safety and protection, which in turn helps you feel less stressed and fearful.
Gain awareness of triggers: When we are able to understand what triggers our trauma responses, it leaves us in a better position to understand our responses and create new, healthier coping strategies to deal with the threat or trigger.
Practice self-compassion: It is also important to not judge your trauma responses or feel ashamed of them. Recognize that these responses, at one point, served as your understanding of the best way to cope with a threat. With an open mind, gain an understanding that our trauma responses may not seem to always be useful in protecting us, the way they did in the past, in current non-threatening situations.

Do you recognize yourself in any of these trauma responses?

Bullying in the Workplace

Workplace Bullying

With bullying, the idea that usually comes to mind may involve children or teenagers misbehaving, discriminating, and/or harassing one another. Bullying commonly involves a power imbalance and includes behaviors that are unwanted, threatening, humiliating, harmful, aggressive, offensive, and/or intimidating. These can be both verbal and physical. Bullying can be thought of as a mechanism used to re-take control and proclaim dominance that an individual may have felt they lost at some point in their lives. Bullies usually target those who may seem smaller, weaker, younger, or more vulnerable than themselves.

However, these instances and behaviors are not exclusive to youngsters and are also prevalent in various aspects of adult life, such as interpersonal and professional relationships. Although it may be widely observed in society, it is not always recognized as ‘bullying’ and thus, appropriate interventions are not implemented. Whether it is between children, teenagers, or adults, bullying is an issue that deserves attention as it can have a detrimental impact on an individual’s mental and physical health. Mental health effects include worrying about work constantly, wanting to avoid going to work, needing time off to recover from stress, a general loss of interest, and an increased risk of anxiety and depression. The physical health effects include feeling sick or anxious when thinking about work, digestive problems, high blood pressure, headaches, decreased appetite, and poor quality of sleep.

Bullying in the workplace also causes financial difficulties as individuals tend to leave their jobs as a result of being bullied. Some examples of bullying in this context include personal attacks such as yelling, threatening, and spreading rumors, as well as manipulation tactics, such as isolation, sabotage, micromanagement, and unrealistic deadlines.

In the work environment, bullies are often found to be bosses or high-functioning employees who are valued and supported by others because of their status and contribution to the company. In these cases, bullying may involve the abuse of power such as unjustified negative performance reviews, denial of time off, and threats of termination or demotion. However, bullying can also occur in other levels of employment. Those working at the same level may bully through gossip, rumors, work sabotage, and/or criticism. Lower-level employees may bully those above them by showing continuous disrespect, refusing to complete tasks, and doing things that may portray their superior in a negative light. Bullying not only impacts the target but increases stress for all those who witness it. Employees are also impacted in the form of decreases in trust, productivity, morale, and efficiency as well as increases in absenteeism and employee turnover.

Bullying has been shown to be more prevalent in work environments that:

Are stressful
Change frequently
Have heavy workloads
Have unclear policies about employee behavior
Have poor employee communication and relationships
Have more employees who are bored and worried about job security

Bullying is recognized as a serious problem in many organizations, and while most have a zero-tolerance policy, bullying can be difficult to prove, which in turn, makes it difficult for the necessary measures to be taken. Witnesses to bullying often refrain from intervening and stay silent out of a fear of becoming a target themselves. It is important to speak up and attempt to stop bullying when we witness it, as ignoring it contributes to a harmful work environment.

Effective ways to help include:

Offering support – this could involve being a witness if the targeted individual wants to ask the bully to stop.

Listening – If someone being bullied doesn’t feel safe reporting the bullying to HR, they may find it beneficial to have someone to talk to.

Reporting the incident – A third-party account of what happened may help bring attention to the problem, allowing it to be taken seriously by management and others.

Tips for Maintaining Better Work-Life Balance

Have you noticed the culture of overworking? Some people think that working overtime equates to being hardworking. That those sending out reports or making calls out of working hours are sacrificing their personal time and seem to be dedicated employees. But when has this become true? Does overworking actually achieve what we think it does? Research suggests otherwise – that when we work longer hours, we tend to produce less outcome, make more mistakes and jeopardize our physical and mental health in the long run. For example, working adults that prioritize their work over their personal lives are more likely to experience stress, burnout, heart-related issues, and high blood pressure. So what about Work-Life Balance?

Indeed, the global pandemic has significantly impacted the way we live as we transit from physical interactions to virtual interactions. From Zoom parties to online workshops, technology has given us access to the virtual equivalent of the many outdoor activities we used to do before the pandemic. And as officials stress the importance of social distancing, people have the option to be able to work from home, thanks to tech apps such as Microsoft Teams and Zoom. But although we are a year into the pandemic, many employees working from home still struggle to find a balance between their work and personal life. As their work commitment bleeds into their personal lives all the more, checking emails and answering work calls over on the dinner table has become a common theme to many. As mentioned, this entanglement of work and personal responsibilities leaves many employees with extreme stress and discontentment which have an impact on both workplace and personal wellbeing.

Fortunately, one of the silver linings of the COVID-19 is the increased awareness of mental wellbeing, hence, the ‘always on’ work culture has been brought to the attention of many healthcare professionals. To help cope with this issue, the importance of ‘work-life balance’ is stressed in many mental health workshops and forums.

The key to work-life balance is effectively distributing time between professional and personal obligations. Achieving such a balance not only helps to maintain a healthy relationship at home but also gives a feeling of satisfaction and increases productivity at work. Research studies have shown additional benefits to work-life balance such as increased work engagement, creative thinking, and better physical and mental health.

Finding a work-life balance can be a challenge, but these ideas can help you make a start:

Reflect on your own work-life balance: How important is this for you? Since when have you noticed the imbalance? What changed? And what are the consequences? Asking yourself these questions is important as they help you understand your situation better to tackle it more effectively. Gain an understanding that overworking does not mean you are hardworking. And that you are more likely to produce more when you are at your full potential during working hours as compared to working overtime.
Define your workspace: When you create a designated workspace, you make a clear divide between your personal and working environment. This might look like moving from your bed to a designated table, or a specific room in the house. When making the switch to your workspace, you attempt to tell your brain it’s time to work and vice versa when you move away from your workspace.
Implement short breaks: Be sure to take some breaks throughout your working day. Giving yourself 10 to 15-minute breaks during your day helps you get back to work with a more refreshed, recharged, and productive mindset. Eating lunch with family, going for a walk, or even scheduling virtual water-cooler moments with your colleagues are some ideas on how to spend your short, but important, rest time.
Consider transition time: Create cues to help yourself adjust to when it’s time to begin work at the start of the day and when it’s time to stop working at the end of the day. This could mean, going for a short walk to mimic your previous commute to work, by changing out of your pajamas, or even taking your dog for a walk at the end of your working hours. This helps you ease into and out of your work or personal commitment.
Set and communicate boundaries: With your work devices in front of you, it’s easy to get tempted to send out one more email, write up one more report and make one more phone call. Although this might feel like it increases your productivity, over time it can contribute to burnout and cause feelings of frustration down the road. Therefore, it’s important to set your office hours and explicitly communicate them to others. This also makes it easier for you to see the distinction between work and personal time.
Practice self-compassion: Acknowledge the complexity of achieving work-life balance and be kind to yourself during these unprecedented Carve out times to be there for yourself, and allow mistakes to learn from. It’s a good idea to also recognizing the importance of your protective factors (for example, exercise, friendships, or leisure activities) for your wellbeing and include them in your week’s routine.